Prison Narratives: Redemption or Victimhood Scripts
If you have read any of my writing you will know I'm not overly concerned about going against the grain of mainstream narratives. I am indeed what they call a hetrodox thinker. Hetrodox is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as 'not conforming with accepted or orthodox standards or beliefs.' It has been a blessing for me at times as it helped me drag myself from the depths of addiction and prison to what I would describe as relative success working in the youth justice system and now at a University. If many around me in prison said working was for fools, it made me think work was probably the best way to stay out of prison. However, it must have seemed like a curse to my teachers in school or criminal justice professionals, all of whome tried to help me change my thinking to stop getting into trouble in prison and on probation.
This way of thinking does lend itself to being critical when I ponder over the things going on around me. However, sometimes - because I know myself well - I'm not sure if I really believe what I'm thinking or if I am just playing devil's advocate because it's a place I feel comfortable - on the other side. That said, there are 2 key things I'm hearing alot from ex-prisoners who are public facing and I can't help but wonder why there is such a dominant victimhood narrative about being released from prison that I can't say I resonate with from my own personal experience.
The first is that many ex-prisoners who now have careers in and around the criminal justice system are often saying on social media that they are so proud of themselves now, but while incarcerated wondered whether they would ever be employable 'again' which has driven them to 'give back' to others less fortunate. Now, granted, I was released four times and every time I left prison I'd only ever worked in jobs that are unskilled such as picking and packing in warehouses or labour work on construction sites. But I certainly can't remember thinking not being 'employable' upon release was one if the most significant issues I'd face when I got out of jail. Maybe that is because I never imagined I would do anything but work in a warehouse or be employed by anyone that would require me to have 'skills' that I didn't think I had. Even if this is the case, it would show that many people who have a voice after leaving prison must have had aspirations and maybe skilled work before going to prison. I can't recall any of the groups of lads I spent time with in prison worrying about being employable either. Maybe they didn't care, maybe they we're similar to me and didn't have aspirations or maybe they just kept this worry to themselves. Most would often talk about creating innovative ways of making money that wouldn't require them to pay taxes, let's say.
The other thing I often hear is how guilty and ashamed ex-prisoners feel because of 'what they did' and 'how they brought shame upon their parents and family.' Again, maybe this might be exposing myself a little, but I'm always 'all in' in whatever I say and do. But I can't remember ever feeling this guilt or shame for what I did in terms of crimes and given both my brothers had been in prison and my whole family being involved in one way or the other, there was certainly no family shame. I certainly can't remember this being a school of thought for most of the lads I spent time with in prison either as many of them were from similar backgrounds and moved in similar circles. Again, maybe they were just keeping this to themselves or maybe deep down they we're ashamed, but if they were, they should aspire to be actors!
It's not that I don't believe that people should or should not be sorry for commiting crime, or causing harm to their family though their actions and behaviour. I'm just very observant and can't help but wonder if many ex-prisoners who return to the lived experience scene or aim to be within criminal justice social media spaces etc are creating narratives that fail to demonstrate the variety of biographies of crime, punishment, recovery and desistance. I personally felt that my social ecological system and childhood adversity significantly contributed to my behaviour when I was in prison and would argue that case now, 20 years after my last release. I obviously have regrets about most of my life back then; but I'd be lying if I said I have ever carried guilt or shame or worried that my life was over when in prison or on release.
This reflection and blog was provoked due to a podcast I did with an old friend who has just been released from an Australian prison after 8 years. I will put a link for this at the end of this blog. He said "you came out of prison bouncing, Andi." That made me remember getting out of prison. I was looking really well because I'd got myself off drugs and had been smashing the gym. After being caged in prison as a young man, I couldn't wait to get to the bars and chat to everyone that hadn't seem me for a while because coming out of jail in my social circle at that time was nothing short of a celebration. I would take myself straight to the local recruitment agencies and find work in a warehouse pretty easily. Granted, this has changed in more recent years as manufacturing has been outsourced. Yes, I would tick that I didn't have a criminal record on applications because I knew they couldn't do an enhance check. My thinking was that if they found out after I'd proved myself, they would keep me on as I would explain why and they would then know I was a hard worker and good employee. I don't encourage that, but it was my way at that time to get myself back on my feet.
Just to sum up on these two things, I'm wondering if we are truly hearing authentic, balanced and nuanced narratives or biographies and whether there is a kind of 'performance' or even absence of certain kinds of ex-prisoners returning to speak about they experienced it from a different standpoint. I'm also wondering if these narratives of victimhood and self loathing are due to actual guilt or whether it speaks to the fact that there is capital attached to making Joe public believe in our redemption scripts so strongly that we end up over cooking our grill for acceptance; or again, maybe we aren't accessing the variation of voices of ex-prisoners like those I spent time with throughout my incarceration experience and criminality. If you take anything from this blog and reflection, take the fact that many ex-prisoners don't walk around feeling guilty, nor do we have to self loathe our actions and behaviour to live a crime free life after we desist. Some of us just leave prison, accept the punishment for our deeds as paying the price as a matter of prodedural justice, say "thanks" for the experience and get on with our lives. Prisoners, like any other population are diverse and complex in experiences and perspectives, but the one I put forward here is seldom heard. However, many of us are okay with being ex-offenders that have moved on from that lifestyle, we don't also have to be victims!
